On Mother's Day, the 11th we were two weeks from Baby Tate's due date. I had been to the doctor Thursday the 9th and all was great!! (At 15 weeks I had a cerclage placed due to incompetent cervix with 2nd child. I was in the hospital 10-1/2 weeks with 2nd preg)
When I lay down to go to sleep Sunday night, I thought "has he moved today?"
We had been busy at church and going out to eat with the family. I was tired and took a nap and layed around the house. I tried to get him to move and just thought he was tired too. I dreamed all night about him, woke up and wondered if I had felt him move just then or was it a dream. It was a weird night. But at 6:30 am on the 12th I called the Dr to be sure.
I went to labor and delivery and they couldn't find his little heartbeat. The ultrasound confirmed it. My preciuos baby boy was gone. The Dr looked at me and said "there is no easy way for me to say this, the baby has passed away"
In that moment I was changed forever. Good and bad. I will never forget that day. It will replay in my mind millions more times.
I had a C-section and they saw that the placenta had ruptured. The autopsy later confirmed that.
It till feels like a dream. Like he's still in my belly kicking and growing, and then again it is so painfully real!
I struggle daily to make sure I don't force his memory away to get past the pain.
But remembering him is the worse pain I have ever felt. It is neverending and overwhelming. He was so beautiful. Blonde hair and blue eyes just like his daddy. 6lbs 8oz. He was bigger than my 2nd baby who was a preemie.
I can't begin to tell you how deep the pain is. The only thing I can say is that the only way I breathe each breath from that very second I was told he was gone, is by the Almighty power of Jesus Christ living in my heart and embracing me in His loving arms continually!
I know God more personally now than ever before---So for that reason, I know with all my heart that His plan is perfect and no matter the circumstances, I will praise the Lord forever!
I hope and pray that everyone I know and don't know will be touched by my precious darling Baby Tate.
